As a parent of 9 children, I’m often asked how I have enough time to give them each enough attention.
“Simple,” I often answer. “I don’t have a TV.”
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Showering our children with love, guidance and care is a full-time job. Every child deserves full-time love. The mistake we make in our self-centered universe is that every child needs full time exclusive attention. Sadly, parents err on both sides of the coin. It takes tremendous dedication and humility to be there all the time for every child and not turn our children into self-serving monsters.
As a thought experiment, let’s say my child/parent is on the other side of the world and I cannot communicate with or see them for a year, is my love diminished?
Even without active contact it’s possible to love someone absolutely. It may be difficult to express that love. But, its expression does not determine whether it exists.
This is especially so with regards to a parent/child relationship. The natural bond between a parent and child is not born out of appreciation of another. It may be enhanced via a more giving relationship. But it exists innately.
Chassidic thought compares this relationship to one of the foot and the head. It’s not possible for a foot to ‘declare independence’ from the head and go about life on its own. It is inherently connected to the head and nervous system. It may indeed suffer a bruise or broken bone and its relationship with the head might be compromised, temporarily or even permanently (G-d Forbid). But, intrinsically, they are united.
Similarly, a parent and child possess a natural connection. This connection can seem to fade when we don’t feed it properly. But, because it is not created via attention and appreciation, it doesn’t disappear without them.
Certainly, it is our duty – and honor – to bolster the relationship. But, we don’t need to create it.
If we offer incentives or deterrents in order to create the relationship with our parent/child – we are ultimately harming the relationship. We are taking an intrinsic, unconditional love and replacing it with a conditional, limited love. When we do so, we inadvertently train our children to love us conditionally as well.
The relationship already exists. Our function is to enhance it.
We enhance it with loving acts, special moments and effective communication.
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In the parsha Re’eh G-d announces his relationship with the Jewish people:
You are children of the L-rd, your G-d.
We are not simply subjects of G-d. We are His children. As His children, we ought to view our relationship as one that already exists. Instead of searching for means to create a conditional relationship, we should focus on enhancing the natural, immutable bond.
And, He already gave us the instructions how to do so effectively. To quote the opening words of the parsha, “Behold, I set before you today a blessing and a curse. The blessing, that you will heed the commandments of the L-rd your G-d, which I command you today…”