The Pay it Forward concept gained popularity at the turn of the century, with the publication of the novel Pay it Forward, and even more so with the Pay it Forward film. The idea promotes altruistic giving. Essentially, instead of repaying a loan or good deed to the original benefactor, it is ‘paid forward’ – that is to a third party. The original creditor forgives the loan so long as the debtor loans it to a third party. In the movie, the main character’s goal is to create a social movement, where people do three good deeds to others in response to one good deed performed to them.
Psychological studies have noted that prosocial behavior is increased through such schemes. In fact, researchers have observed that elevation – the positive, uplifting emotion elicited by seeing someone perform a virtuous deed – often leads us to perform more good deeds.
But this raises an even deeper question: what is true altruism? Am I being selfless because I am in an inspired mood, or am I being selfless because I am sacrificing my time and energy?
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When Yaakov is about to pass away he calls for his son Yosef with a plea, “You shall deal with me with kindness and truth; do not bury me now in Egypt.”
The Midrash is curious about Yaakov’s request for kindness and truth. What did he intend by demanding both?
The Midrash explains that Yaakov was asking for true kindness. When a friend’s son dies, explains the Midrash, you will certainly carry the coffin. But when your friend himself passes away, you may feel exempt.
The logic is simple. If you do not help your friend in his time of need, he may not be there in your time of need. But if your friend – and with it the friendship – has died, there is no further need to help your friend. Unless you want to do it altruistically.
This, the Talmud explains, is why kindness performed to the deceased is considered chesed shel emes – true kindness. When we help others we always receive something in return. But when we show honor and lend a hand to the deceased – with no chance of repayment – it is truly altruistic.
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We may wonder why this is restricted to kindness offered the deceased. After all, when I help a poor man who can never pay me back, or if I pay it forward to a total stranger that is also altruistic. Is it not?
When I feed a total stranger, Chassidic thought teaches, I may be warmed at the sight of her smile, by the goodness that she will perform to others in response to my kindness. I may be responding to – and alleviating – my own feeling of misery at her plight. That’s not real altruism. It is still generated by some degree of ego. Perhaps a holy ego, but a sense of self, nonetheless.
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The epitome of kindness is performed without any sense of self. This lesson we learn from our parsha Vayechi – but its implementation can be every day of our lives.
Altruism is indeed possible between living people.
But it is the sanctity of the deceased that we must bear in mind to drive us to true kindness amongst our fellow human beings.